Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Frustration
I have things to say, but I don't have things to say publicly right now, even with my probable audience of zero.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Protests
I don't have a lot to say other than that I am extremely saddened and disappointed by the actions of the protesters, but that I recognize that they are not acting in a vacuum. In some ways it is surprising we made it this far without massive backlash. The fear, uncertainty, doubt, and anger is understandable. I want us to be better. I want us to take care of one another. How do we get through this?
June 7th edit: when I looked back at this point I realize that for posterity I should clarify that these protests were the more conservative ones in which people were pushing for economies and governments to open faster than public health experts recommended. While some of the statements above could also apply to early June, the difference between protesting over property and dollars and human lives is one that I take very seriously.
June 7th edit: when I looked back at this point I realize that for posterity I should clarify that these protests were the more conservative ones in which people were pushing for economies and governments to open faster than public health experts recommended. While some of the statements above could also apply to early June, the difference between protesting over property and dollars and human lives is one that I take very seriously.
Thursday, April 16, 2020
New Normal
I want to make it clear that this situation we are in right now has far surpassed my expectations for my community and my state. The slow burn of this pandemic could have so easily become a wildfire and so far it has not. We are keeping the virus contained in Oregon and in much of the United States.
I am not saying that this is all rosy and good, but I want to give space and voice to the public health miracles we have been able to pull off. I don't pretend to have answers on what the other end of this looks like, and what the long term impacts will be. But I have seen so much good. Good in absence too. There is so much I had feared that is not happening and that too is a blessing, even if it is harder to appreciate. No news can be good news and I want to draw strength from that. Our brains aren't wired to acknowledge this in the same way we can grasp sudden wins or losses.
We are only just beginning.
It is our new normal. It's not a phrase I particularly like, and it is one I have heard backlash against. But it is accurate. We must transition from a state of emergency into day-to-day living that is sustainable. We can't live forever in fight or flight mode. So, without an end date in sight, we must adapt as best we can and make our lives in this setting.
This is a variation on yesterday's theme.
I am not saying that this is all rosy and good, but I want to give space and voice to the public health miracles we have been able to pull off. I don't pretend to have answers on what the other end of this looks like, and what the long term impacts will be. But I have seen so much good. Good in absence too. There is so much I had feared that is not happening and that too is a blessing, even if it is harder to appreciate. No news can be good news and I want to draw strength from that. Our brains aren't wired to acknowledge this in the same way we can grasp sudden wins or losses.
We are only just beginning.
It is our new normal. It's not a phrase I particularly like, and it is one I have heard backlash against. But it is accurate. We must transition from a state of emergency into day-to-day living that is sustainable. We can't live forever in fight or flight mode. So, without an end date in sight, we must adapt as best we can and make our lives in this setting.
This is a variation on yesterday's theme.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
I've never felt my privilege so keenly as I do now. I get to work. I get to work from home. I get to be safe. No one in my household has to put themselves in harm's way. We have food. We have everything we need and more. Hell, we got a beer delivery yesterday.
We can't sustain a state of emergency this long in our bodies and minds. The sheer mundanity of life under lock down is something I did not anticipate. My world shrinks and flattens.
The bigger world continues to spin in chaos, and the immediate future is bleak. But to concentrate on that now is a waste of energy. What control do I have?
Everything feels like a waste of energy.
I worry that our determination may falter if things don't get much worse or much better soon.
We can't sustain a state of emergency this long in our bodies and minds. The sheer mundanity of life under lock down is something I did not anticipate. My world shrinks and flattens.
The bigger world continues to spin in chaos, and the immediate future is bleak. But to concentrate on that now is a waste of energy. What control do I have?
Everything feels like a waste of energy.
I worry that our determination may falter if things don't get much worse or much better soon.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Family Time
Quick update on my family. My father has two negative COVID tests now and has recovered almost entirely. The day that Dad fell ill, his hospital also produced its first positive test in a patient. When he goes back to the hospital to work, he will be in it again, and the cycle of worry and risk continues.
We had two video chats on Sunday - one with each side of my extended family. This is becoming a regular Sunday occurrence and I'm enjoying it, even as I have no new info or interesting anecdotes to offer. Happy to be boring in this case. Everyone else seems to be doing well, and mostly being careful, rule abiding folk.
A foolhardy (to my wallet) but rewarding experiment was to ship the same puzzle to my parents, my sister, and my own home. It was a whim, but it just so happened that my sister got hers last Tuesday, when Dad was newly sick and we were all very worried. My parents picked theirs up just as Dad was starting to feel better and it kept him occupied in the confines of his "isolation ward." This was not a targeted plan - I got lucky. It's nice to feel helpful in a small way. We were able to share an activity across three states!
We had two video chats on Sunday - one with each side of my extended family. This is becoming a regular Sunday occurrence and I'm enjoying it, even as I have no new info or interesting anecdotes to offer. Happy to be boring in this case. Everyone else seems to be doing well, and mostly being careful, rule abiding folk.
A foolhardy (to my wallet) but rewarding experiment was to ship the same puzzle to my parents, my sister, and my own home. It was a whim, but it just so happened that my sister got hers last Tuesday, when Dad was newly sick and we were all very worried. My parents picked theirs up just as Dad was starting to feel better and it kept him occupied in the confines of his "isolation ward." This was not a targeted plan - I got lucky. It's nice to feel helpful in a small way. We were able to share an activity across three states!
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Dad.
I didn't have any words of my own yesterday, but I'm ready to tackle this today.
Yesterday morning my father woke up with a headache, fever, and aches. He is an emergency physician, so he knew to go get a COVID test right away. By evening a result: negative.
In the time between onset of symptoms and test result, our family sprang into what actions we could take. Dad was restricted to a sick room and bathroom. Mom bleached everything. My sister and I dithered helplessly from afar and sent care-giving technical assistance and reassurances. But mostly check ins that were more for us than for them.
The negative result is not as reassuring as I had originally hoped. We've been so focused on test supplies that I never even asked myself If the test had high sensitivity and specificity. Namely, if you have the disease/virus: how likely is an accidental negative result? Its inverse? This is Epi 101 stuff that I remember calculating on exams. If a test does not do extremely well in both these regards, then it runs the risk of doing more harm than good. I don't have good intel on this test, but my father is concerned with what he heard might be a 20-40% false negative rate. He decided to not get the flu test because he was concerned with using up valuable swabs. I think he likely felt like it seemed textbook COVID and therefore didn't spend a lot of time considering alternatives. The shortage of resources is a thread that runs through everything.
He is isolated and taking meds for his symptoms and holding steady today. We will continue to assume he may have the disease and act accordingly. Even if it is something else, it is not pleasant and should not be spread if possible.
I can't speak intelligently about the test. I can say that his symptoms align very closely with the ones plastered all over social media and the news. The length and course of his illness will also be good clues, but not ones I am excited about waiting out.
I can tell you that yesterday was the first day in all of this that I broke down and cried. You can intellectually know that the people you love may get sick. Because of my father's profession, I have been taking it as a given that he will be exposed to and probably get this virus. To suddenly confront the possibility was another matter entirely.
The fact that my father was able to get a test and get a same-day response is assuredly because of his standing in the medical community and the fact that he knew when the tests went to the lab and when they generally came back. Even this negative result is because of privilege. My mother is able to live in another part of the house because my parents have plenty of space. We have a lot of family in the area able to help as needed.
Not to mention - most people recover. I vacillate between wishing it were COVID so he can get through it and then feeling incredibly guilty over this thought. If he has something else, then the pandemic specter still looms. When he is better he will go back to work. Maybe this setback will take him safely past the California surge. Is that a good thing?
How do we get out of this? What is on the other side? I don't have answers.
Yesterday morning my father woke up with a headache, fever, and aches. He is an emergency physician, so he knew to go get a COVID test right away. By evening a result: negative.
In the time between onset of symptoms and test result, our family sprang into what actions we could take. Dad was restricted to a sick room and bathroom. Mom bleached everything. My sister and I dithered helplessly from afar and sent care-giving technical assistance and reassurances. But mostly check ins that were more for us than for them.
The negative result is not as reassuring as I had originally hoped. We've been so focused on test supplies that I never even asked myself If the test had high sensitivity and specificity. Namely, if you have the disease/virus: how likely is an accidental negative result? Its inverse? This is Epi 101 stuff that I remember calculating on exams. If a test does not do extremely well in both these regards, then it runs the risk of doing more harm than good. I don't have good intel on this test, but my father is concerned with what he heard might be a 20-40% false negative rate. He decided to not get the flu test because he was concerned with using up valuable swabs. I think he likely felt like it seemed textbook COVID and therefore didn't spend a lot of time considering alternatives. The shortage of resources is a thread that runs through everything.
He is isolated and taking meds for his symptoms and holding steady today. We will continue to assume he may have the disease and act accordingly. Even if it is something else, it is not pleasant and should not be spread if possible.
I can't speak intelligently about the test. I can say that his symptoms align very closely with the ones plastered all over social media and the news. The length and course of his illness will also be good clues, but not ones I am excited about waiting out.
I can tell you that yesterday was the first day in all of this that I broke down and cried. You can intellectually know that the people you love may get sick. Because of my father's profession, I have been taking it as a given that he will be exposed to and probably get this virus. To suddenly confront the possibility was another matter entirely.
The fact that my father was able to get a test and get a same-day response is assuredly because of his standing in the medical community and the fact that he knew when the tests went to the lab and when they generally came back. Even this negative result is because of privilege. My mother is able to live in another part of the house because my parents have plenty of space. We have a lot of family in the area able to help as needed.
Not to mention - most people recover. I vacillate between wishing it were COVID so he can get through it and then feeling incredibly guilty over this thought. If he has something else, then the pandemic specter still looms. When he is better he will go back to work. Maybe this setback will take him safely past the California surge. Is that a good thing?
How do we get out of this? What is on the other side? I don't have answers.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Monday, April 6, 2020
Birthdays
Yesterday was my grandmother's 80th birthday. As time passes, more of us have strange celebrations with limited and fragmented audiences. We talked on the phone for just under half an hour. We talked about how politicians and our neighbors were failing and surprising us. She mentioned she was writing down stories about our family. We could leave unsaid why she had a sudden interest in recording her thoughts and memories. It was clear.
We all try to put our brave faces on, which isn't that hard when our communication is bound by phone calls and video chats for an hour at a time at the most.
We talk about November - a magical time we had already planned to spend together. By November, surely, the worst must have passed. We will see each other then. It'll be a family reunion. I want so badly to believe in this vision. I want her to be safe, and the rest of my family. But I know that none of us has the privilege to walk away entirely unscathed.
I am so scared. Who will we lose?
We all try to put our brave faces on, which isn't that hard when our communication is bound by phone calls and video chats for an hour at a time at the most.
We talk about November - a magical time we had already planned to spend together. By November, surely, the worst must have passed. We will see each other then. It'll be a family reunion. I want so badly to believe in this vision. I want her to be safe, and the rest of my family. But I know that none of us has the privilege to walk away entirely unscathed.
I am so scared. Who will we lose?
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Friday, April 3, 2020
To mask, or not to mask?
It's been a few days. That's a good thing, I think. Things aren't moving so fast.
The news lately is whether we should all be wearing masks in public or not. For me, it is mostly a moot point, as I've not interacted face-to-face with any non-household humans since March 20th. I take a daily dog walk where I stay far from everyone else and that's about it. We plan to pick up groceries tomorrow, which I suppose would be a time to put mask wearing into practice.
So we've heard that we should wear masks in public as a prevention measure. Not fancy N95 masks. Not full personal protective equipment (PPE). Nope, the recommendation is to leave those for the professionals and craft our own using fabric, bandanas, even wrapping scarves around our faces.
Want to know how a scarf will protect you out in the world? To be honest, that's not the point. If you are touching things and interacting with potentially infected humans/surfaces then a mask isn't going to do much. Want to lower your risk? Stay the fuck home.
We should wear masks because we might be the problem, We might be infectious and not yet sick, we may be infectious and never get sick. The mask is to protect other people from us. You wear a mask and any virus you're breathing out is less likely to get out there into the world.
So, yeah, I'm coming around to the idea that masks are valuable and we should not feel afraid to implement them when we have to leave our homes or interact with other people. However thinking that face masks will save you from infection is incorrect.
Should I go out masked to model the behavior? I have been pretty isolated so I know my risk is low. It feels overblown still, but so did the other measures - until they suddenly weren't enough.
The news lately is whether we should all be wearing masks in public or not. For me, it is mostly a moot point, as I've not interacted face-to-face with any non-household humans since March 20th. I take a daily dog walk where I stay far from everyone else and that's about it. We plan to pick up groceries tomorrow, which I suppose would be a time to put mask wearing into practice.
So we've heard that we should wear masks in public as a prevention measure. Not fancy N95 masks. Not full personal protective equipment (PPE). Nope, the recommendation is to leave those for the professionals and craft our own using fabric, bandanas, even wrapping scarves around our faces.
Want to know how a scarf will protect you out in the world? To be honest, that's not the point. If you are touching things and interacting with potentially infected humans/surfaces then a mask isn't going to do much. Want to lower your risk? Stay the fuck home.
We should wear masks because we might be the problem, We might be infectious and not yet sick, we may be infectious and never get sick. The mask is to protect other people from us. You wear a mask and any virus you're breathing out is less likely to get out there into the world.
So, yeah, I'm coming around to the idea that masks are valuable and we should not feel afraid to implement them when we have to leave our homes or interact with other people. However thinking that face masks will save you from infection is incorrect.
Should I go out masked to model the behavior? I have been pretty isolated so I know my risk is low. It feels overblown still, but so did the other measures - until they suddenly weren't enough.
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