COVID problems are so two weeks ago

My somewhat incoherent ramblings on race relations aside, this blog is about the pandemic, so I'll return us to that topic.

Starting June 1st I have been officially deployed in COVID response. My first work week was fairly straightforward with learning and watching and a lot of meetings. On Friday afternoon things went from theoretical to real.

I don't know what I can or should say about my job duties, so I will leave it at this. It involves contact tracing, and I am managing a small team this weekend in response to an urgent need. I'm on call and acting as the point of connection between a few different groups.

I've never been a manager before. It's something I honestly enjoy. Helping other people succeed is my jam. Starting a supervisory role over the weekend with limited support on a brand new project has been challenging. I am reminding myself that I am doing the best I can and that as long as I don't go too far off track then we can always fix any hiccups or mistakes as we go. I've gathered a host of things and stuck them into a mental file titled: "Monday Jess problems," so that I can focus on my team and their work, and our local partners and their needs. Just for the weekend.

Soon I may have a small team that oversees their own small teams. This jump is wild to me and I am trying not to wallow in my imposter syndrome. Who am I to suddenly be in charge of so much? Then again, bodies and minds are so clearly needed on this. I am watching my new colleagues run themselves ragged. People disappear and a look goes around the rest of the team. At first I worried it was because they might be getting sick. But I am realizing the more likely scenario is that they are burning out, and since the problem does not take a break, their absence comes at each person's breaking point instead of a natural deadline. Public health, mental health, it is all wrapped up together.

 How are we qualified? We were the ones who said yes. We volunteered to take this on.

This all sounds dramatic and it isn't, really. It is work.

The narrative of a COVID-driven world has dampened in the face of brutality and protest. Which is to say that the virus is ever-present, but not in the spotlight. It is the subtext, a catalyzer, an uninvited guest at every gathering, and an emotional and economic stressor that adds an edge to every speech and interaction. Which is also exactly how racism has worked too - visibly present for some, invisible to others, but stitched throughout everything we do.

My work means that I do not go out and gather. Is it fear or cowardice on my part? That is there too. I'm on call all weekend and I am becoming an integral part of a response that will falter without fresh blood. If I get sick? We are set back. Am I that important? Not really. I also work in an office fairly regularly now and I am a higher risk to my peers if I gather. Are these excuses? Yes.

In my household we are adjusting what we watch, what we read, where we buy. We are working to diversify our attention and our dollars. Right now it feels very black and white, which is complicated for someone like me, whose mother was slapped at school for being a "dirty Mexican" but has for most intents and purposes been whitened and accepted/assimilated. There is space for all of these realities, and I do not want to diminish the stark divide between black and white America right now. These are complications that are "next month Jess problems." It's continuous work.

I started somewhere and I am wrapping up in an entirely different place. Because race and pandemic are not disconnected. The inequity in our systems perpetuates inequality in our experiences. We cannot separate out a disease and the social patterns that determine where it will be present and how much damage it does. It's complicated and difficult and the answers are not pretty.

Will the protests lead to an increase in COVID cases? Yes. That's not a pretty answer. Are they still worth the risk? It depends on what happens next. Do we fizzle out and return to a broken status quo?

I also want to point out that people have been taking more risks and going out more - protests aside. In Oregon, all counties except for Multnomah have begun to reopen. We cannot solely blame what happens in the next few weeks on protesters. We are all searching for cohesive narratives that tell a continuous and logical story, but we do not live in a controlled experiment and there are so many confounding elements.